Sometimes I feel like a father-less child....

I've never truly had a father in my life.  He created a life and didn't respect it or love it enough to be there.  Sure, this is the same story as many others, but this is MY blog and it's about me right now.  I used to think the sun came up in the morning just because that man was my dad; how naive and foolish of me.  I'm one among thousands of girls (and boys) that didn't have their dad in their life.  The end result: searching for and longing for his love in all the wrong places and all the wrong people.

I don't have fond memories of the man who gave me life.  Shit....the end of statement alone is a joke.  Even animals are caretakers to those they give life.

I can't say my dad taught me to love and respect myself and, in turn, to never allow anyone to not love and to not respect me.  I can't say my dad ever helped me with my homework.  I can't say I remember him ever reading me stories. I can't say he ever rescued me after I'd have a bad dream.... Shit, the fact of the matter is, he IS the bad dream!

My dad was a military man; has been all of my life.  I could say that in my life, he was "missing in action".  He started a routine for all men in my life to follow.  He'd pop up on a visit home and see me (or not).  I had a huge wall up; not wanting to love this man who didn't seem to give a damn that I was his child.  After a couple of days, he'd break through that wall and I loved him all over again.  You see, no matter how much he'd hurt me, I still craved and longed for his love.

Before the end of his visit, I loved him yet again.  I had hopes and he had promises.  He promised that he was sorry for not being there for me.  He also promised that he'd never leave me again; that he'd always be there from that point on and we were going to start this wonderful relationship that I could depend on.

So, he'd go back to his military life and I'd hear from him once or twice and then, true to form, he'd once again be gone from my life.  We'd have no more contact until a few years had gone by and he'd be back to tear down my wall again. This cycle repeated itself over and over through the years.  Each time I'd say, "He's can't hurt me anymore..."  But he could, and he did.

Each time he'd do that, I'd be heartbroken and feel worthless.  Hell, if your own father doesn't think you're worthy of love, who would?

That's why I say he "started a routine for all the men in my life".   As I got older, I wanted to be loved SO BADLY that I'd either have a wall up with a guy or just give my all in hopes that he'd love me.  Either way, somewhere in the process, I'd get mistreated physically, mentally and/or emotionally.  And, let me tell you, I'd rather have a broken arm than a broken spirit.

So, the guy would treat me bad, I'd let him go, he'd come back to face my wall and he'd say everything I "needed/wanted" to hear and break down that wall again....just like my dad.  In the end, I'd give in just to be treated the same way again.

Everyone says, "You've got to love yourself first".... I tried that and had no idea how to actually do that.  How would I know when I grew up feeling so unloved and so unworthy by those who were supposed to love me the most and plant the seeds and nurture my self-worth?  Many of you may not realize that learning to love yourself as an adult (when that wasn't instilled in you growing up) is a wall that's bigger than any wall I've ever put up.  I've had YEARS of feeling one way and now, all of sudden, you expect me to "know how" to love myself?

There's a subject, through all of this that I'm not going to touch...right now, because I don't want to hurt someone close to me.  However, even through all the pain she caused me, I don't wish her any harm. I'll just say she did the best with what she knew how and leave it at that.

Anyway, there were two people in my life who, if I had not had them, I NEVER would've felt loved at all.  My Grandmother and my Uncle Mike were the ones who tried their best to fill the gap that my father left.  Many times, their love literally saved my life.

I'll tell you a few things that my dad did teach me:  he taught me not to trust; he taught me not to believe I'm beautiful and that I'm worthy of love; he taught me not to depend on someone's word...but, the most important thing he taught me was how to be a good parent.  Sounds funny?  Well, from all the pain, I knew for a fact that I wanted to be everything as a parent that he wasn't!  And, I'd say I've done a pretty good job!  I raised my son (pretty much alone) and he's a college graduate who works in government and has always known that he could do anything and be anything because his Mama told him so!  Many times, I believe the Lord sent him to me to save my life as well.

I'm sure we'll revisit this whole "daddy" thing again, because I'm still not healed, but if I don't stop right now, I won't be able to stop myself from crying.

They say you can't miss what you never had...Bullshit!  I missed GREATLY what I never had in a father.

So, those of you who did have a good father, God bless you, because you really have no idea how blessed you are!